Vampire Diaries Recap – Handle with Care

This week’s episode had a LOT going on, so bear with me as I try to recap all of it and make sense of it.

Katherine is chowing down, celebrating being alive, when the waitress comments on her hair.  Katherine is naturally thinking that she must be having an extraordinarily good hair day, but then sees in her reflection in the napkin dispenser a big lock of gray hair.  Omg I freaked out when I found one gray hair, I can’t imagine how Katherine feels discovering an entire lock of it.  Especially for someone who’s lived like 500 years or whatever, you’ve definitely gotta have a huge fear of mortal life and ya know, death.

Elena and Damon are cuddling on the couch enjoying their peace, when Damon quite accurately predicts someone will come along and ruin it any second now.  In walks Silas, magically throwing open the curtains, full of optimism that today he finally gets to die and end his miserable 2,000 year existence.  Silas is a walking “careful what you wish for” lesson.  He wanted so badly to be immortal, then he got it, and it was not all he thought it was going to be.  Now he can’t wait to die.  Let this be a lesson to you, kids.  Immortality spells are not all they’re cracked up to be.

Stefan and Tessa (formerly Qetsiyah, I learned to spell it), apparently had too much tequila last night.  Tessa is crushing in kind of a creepy way on Stefan since he is the doppelganger of the man who inspired her revenge plan that’s lasted 2,000 years.  It’s not going to work with any of his lookalikes, Tessa…not because it’s not “fate” but because YOU’RE A PSYCHO.  She’s in a great mood because Silas is mortal and now she can kill him.  That’s healthy.

Silas is discussing how he’s supposed to bring Bonnie back from the dead with his death.  Elena doesn’t trust him and Silas cracks me up with, “Do you want me to pinky swear?”  There’s a lot of expositional talk about how Silas needs to find the anchor which will allow him to destroy the supernatural purgatory he doesn’t want to end up in because he wants to be at peace with his true love Amara, blah blah blah.  It’s okay that they’re boring me with all this because it leads to Damon saying this line: “The supernatural otherworld is bound by an object in Snooki’s backyard?”  Solid Jersey Shore reference, Damon.  Glad to know that you haven’t given up on staying current with pop culture during your long long life.  Silas refers to himself as a supernatural Madonna (because he keeps reinventing himself) which leads me to say whaaaat because he’s only been awake from his long coma thing for a little while and there’s no way he should know anything about Madonna.  I call bullshit!

Silas heads out to find the anchor in New Jersey and declares it a boys-only trip because of course he’s sexist, he’s from a WAY different time!  Oh wait I guess he just doesn’t want to stare at Elena’s imposter face all day.  Well sure, that too.

Tessa tries to head out to kill him before he finds the anchor, only to realize that Silas has put a spell on the cabin that will keep her in it until sundown.  She is not pleased, but I don’t know what she expected to happen.  Everyone knows that just when you’re bragging that you have it all handled, something will go wrong.  It’s jinx rules 101.  She should have knocked on wood after saying it at least.

Jeez we’re only 9 minutes in and this is already a very long recap.  Hopefully from now on it’s less exposition, more action!  Nobody’s going to read a super long recap.  I definitely don’t want to write one; my right hand/arm is super sore from bowling yesterday.

We cut to Elena and Caroline’s dorm room where Katherine has just dyed her hair.  Caroline comes in and it doesn’t take her long to figure out that she’s talking to Katherine, not Elena.  Poor Katherine’s all broke and hungry and just needs someplace to stay (being human really sucks for her…she hasn’t discovered how “jobs” work yet) and convinces Caroline it’s a good idea to let her because she can help with the whole “Professor knows we’re vampires and told us to leave campus” thing.

They go see Professor Bio (I forgot his name and am once again too lazy to look it up right now) and the plan is to drain his blood to rid him of vervane, then compel him to forget they’re vampires.  Simple enough.  Apparently the professor is part of a society at the college which seems similar to the town council that Mystic Falls had.  Defending against vampires and whatnot.  But this society has its own vampire and that’s who killed Elena and Bonnie’s roommate…interesting.

Meanwhile Elena called Stefan, Tessa answered his phone and made Elena jealous, and Elena went over there only to find out that whoops, she can’t leave.  Typical Elena, always doing what she shouldn’t.

Jeremy is chatting with Bonnie’s ghost while looking for the anchor and he has clearly been reading The Secret as he tells Bonnie that, “If you believe it will work, and I believe it will work, then it will work!” regarding Silas bringing her back.  She remains skeptical, probably because she has not read the book.  There is no room for skepticism in The Secret, Bonnie!  Then there’s this weird moment when he tells her before today is over, we’re gonna know what that (touches her lip) feels like.  Oh man what if she comes back from the dead and they find out that they have zero physical chemistry anymore?  AWKWARD.

Bonnie vampire diaries

Does he want to bring me back from the dead just to get in my pants?

Now that Tessa has Elena trapped in her cabin, she calls up Damon and demands that he go ahead and kill Silas for her.  Damon replies with, “He’s such a control freak that he wants to off himself himself.”  Hilarious.  Anyway Tessa informs Damon that she’ll kill Elena if he doesn’t kill Silas by sundown, which does not bode well for Bonnie’s chances of coming back.  I guess Tessa is going to kill Elena with migraines?  Is that even one of the things that can kill vampires?

Katherine goes to the secret society’s little party that the Professor told them about to show them that “Elena” is not a vampire.  Since Katherine’s human now she can waltz on in without an invitation which I’m sure is way more convenient than always waiting on people to remember their manners.  Katherine’s plans to find out more about the society are interrupted a bit when she straight hacks out a tooth.  That plus the gray hair cannot be good signs for her well being.

Cut back to Damon and Jeremy deciding that of course they have to choose Elena over Bonnie coming back from the dead.  Jeremy and his giant arms do not think it’s okay that Bonnie won’t be coming back.  I love how they keep trying to cover up Jeremy’s man-size body to make us focus on his baby face and believe that he’s younger than he actually is.  Sorry wardrobe department, it’s not working because seriously he’s starting to rival Dwight Howard in the ginormous shoulders department.  There’s a Twitter account dedicated to those arms.

jeremy gilbert's giant arms

Some Travelers come along to distract Damon and keep him from killing Silas, apparently because they want the cure.  Silas drank the cure from Katherine, now his blood is the cure.  The cure is like an STD if when you gave an STD to someone, it left you altogether.  Wow what a terrifying thought…you would then have people just looking to seduce some poor sucker to pass their STD off to.  Yikes!

Caroline succeeds in compelling Professor Bio to forget that she and Elena are vampires.

Stefan and Tessa are grossly flirting and making Elena crazy enough that she says something about it, which just makes Tessa want to kill her even more.  Elena is not the brightest crayon in the box.  Stefan vampire whispers to her to chill, he’s not going to let Tessa hurt her.

Tessa calls Damon to remind him it’s time to kill Silas, he tells her about the Travelers, and she gives him hints as to what the anchor is and we cut to Silas slowly approaching the box that obviously holds the anchor.  Tessa hangs up and as soon as she turns around Stefan straight stabs her in the gut and tells Elena to run!  Tessa is NOT pleased with this turn of events.  She has a real issue with guys with Stefan’s face hurting her for girls with Elena’s face.  It’s not going to be pleasant for Stefan when she catches up with him.  Ah, the life of doppelgangers.  So complicated.

Silas opens the box to reveal the anchor and IT’S AMARA OMG OMG!!!!  Well that’s very clever, but what was the point of making the anchor something he wouldn’t be able to destroy when her death was his motivation for wanting to destroy it?  Won’t he just want to be immortal again now so they can be alive together forever?  Well I guess that answers that question.  She’s willing to stab open his neck to take the cure because she “can’t live another day”.  Clearly she is whacked out of her mind.  I guess anyone who was put in a box for a couple thousand years unable to move would be desperate to die ASAP.  Or just go get a burger or something, stretch your legs, get some fresh air.  Oh well, we all have different priorities.

Cut back to Professor Bio – Katherine goes to him and uses the fact that he’s been doing vampire experiments to blackmail him into helping her find out what is happening to her.  She thinks she’s dying and she needs him to save her life.

Back to Amara who is stumbling around talking to imaginary people she sees in the darkness I guess.  She runs into Damon and he takes her home since she’s the key to keeping the other side from being destroyed, and they definitely don’t want that since Bonnie is stuck there for the time being.  Damon introduces Elena to Amara aka CrazyPants (I am only calling her that from now on) and she screams like crazy when she sees Elena.  I guess CrazyPants isn’t privy to the whole doppelganger thing.

Stefan goes up to his room to find Tessa waiting for him.  She decides that memories are important, especially Stefan’s, because he had so much pain, and of course she wants him to feel ALL THE PAIN for stabbing her.  In what must be an excruciating memory dump, she puts back how he killed his father, forced his brother to become vampire, hated himself for a century, then found Elena, lost her to his brother, then was trapped in a safe under water for months, drowning over and over again, and the one thing that kept him sane was the hope that one of the people he loved would find him, but they didn’t.  She did.  And now he gets to think on that until next week.

And there you have it, the end of this episode!  So much happened it’s hard to take it all in.  I still don’t quite get what the Travelers are/have to do with anything other than the one girl Traveler is Katherine’s daughter.

Since Amara took the cure from Silas’s veins I wonder if he’ll do the rapid age/deterioration thing that Katherine seems to be doing…or if he’s just supposed to be dead?  If Katherine can live through being drained of her cure blood, I’m sure Silas can too.

So now it’s all about keeping Amara from killing herself which would destroy the other side with Bonnie in it.  I guess next week we can expect lots of “how do we bring Bonnie back now?” along with the fallout of Stefan’s sudden remembrance of his entire life.  I can’t wait to see what happens next!

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